Getting the feeling they're both thinking, "Great, now I have to shake hands with this jackass"? Yeah, me too.
Because I don't think I've linked to it before, Every Day Should Be Saturday is always entertaining.Current Mood:  calm Current Music: Audioslave - I am the Highway |
...and evidently they're republicans.Current Mood: mischievous Current Music: Desperate Housewives |
For anyone considering law school:
This is pretty much dead on. Dahlia Lithwick's always great, but it's nice to hear someone else saying that they hated law school, but were still glad they did it.Current Mood:  geeky Current Music: Daily Show |
With a lot of spare time on my hands lately, I've been baking again. Tonight's experiment came out pretty well:
Butternut Squash Bread Pudding with Bourbon Sauce
Just in case you're interested, ( recipe after the break. )
PS: Happy birthday, Chris Carter.Current Mood:  bored Current Music: The Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You |
by David Nielsen
...the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make your sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates are flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates are going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is it? Just.. Christ, forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your hands. Perfect. Put it down.
On the counter, not the floor.
Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread.
Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer white, rye, pumpernickel, a French roll...you're just staring at me. What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what? What kind of bread do you have?
Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced.
Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is?
OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator.
Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and beer, too. That's the one.
Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo...you're giving me that look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise. It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a white sandwich spread but.. fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on the counter next to the bread.
OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say... uhg! Go back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip where it is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the cheese. Any kind will do. Oh Jesus, just pick one!
No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What the Hell are you doing with brie?
How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes! That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now go back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen, get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for baloney. God willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a package filled with slices of meat.
That's bacon.
Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food. No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again.
OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich. Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What do you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya go! Now you need a knife.
Oh God.
You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull. Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No, that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp. Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring knife!
OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on the slices of bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread.
Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave the spread.
There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a regular Julia Childs now!
She's a famous cook....nevermind.
Now your bread is spread. Quit giggling. You are going to place a slice of baloney on one piece of bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't screw open. Just pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See how it's opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on one of the slices of bread. No, you don't need the knife for this.
Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese.
I said stop giggling.
The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife.. the other end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of cheese open. Just jam it in there and.. don't worry about hurting the cheese! Just slice the damn thing open!
Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord help us all.
Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay it on the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be living long at this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that, you want more than two slices out of your block. Thinner. Thinner. Thinner! Just...measure with your pinky! Your pinky should be at least two slices thick. What are you...DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!! God!
You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away! You're just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this. Don't look at me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage!
Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the Miracle Whip side facing out!
Because I said so!!!
OK. Pick up the sandwich.
Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich! Dufus.Current Mood: amused Current Music: Missy Higgins - This is How it Goes |
My friend DH sent me this. Teh internets do not yield the identity of the original author, but I'd like to go on record that I concur.
(This is probably going to be a smile & nod moment for you. Just find a lawyer friend and show them this. They will laugh their asses off.)
Things that piss me off about the bar exam
1. People who don't record their deeds:
Hey. Fuck face. That's a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought Stankacre, didya? That's awesome. Owning property is a sign of real maturity. Now, why don't you do us all a fucking favor, and go record the fucking deed.Right. Fucking. Now. Don't put it in a goddamn drawer. Don't go off to India for 20 years. Don't leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox. Get your fat lazy ass down to the records office, and record it before I burn your goddamn house down.
2: Wily property sellers:
Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin' petty thug assclowns, the Police. How about you go down to Doucheacre, and arrest the son of a bitch who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I'm sick of this guy getting away every time he pulls this shit, and I'm left to sort out the fucking pieces.
3: "Known" arsonists:
Here's a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring "known"arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend's house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist, you dipshit? He's known because he has been fucking caught before. You don't know who the good arsonists are, do you! Because they have their shit together. But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your fuckwit moron arsonist is named, and now he's gone and burned the wrong house, and left me with a BAR question.
4: People who back out of conspiracies:
Why don't you just stick with it and save us all some trouble, you pussy.
5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft:
While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that's fucking humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it's just gonna bite you in the ass in the end. Just let the copper go.
6. Fertile Octogenarians:
I think I speak for all of us when I say...
...Burn the witch!
Burn her!
And don't use a "known" arsonist!
7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will:
Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your fucking interest in Scroteacre, or don't, alright? Don't condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning "Dancing with the Stars." Don't grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy. Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you Narcissistic old twat, and stop trying to control your property from the grave in a vain attempt to make up for your feebleness in life.
8. House Painters:
Just paint the fucking house yourself, Paulson.Trust me on this one. It's not worth it.
9. Bank Mortgages:
Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don't mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart a bit of sage wisdom.
When someone :
1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,
2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,
3) on a place called Mushacre
4) so she can buy a new hat,
….do NOT fucking come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line. And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other bullshit I don't understand, because the answer is always the same.
D) You are Fucked. Take it like a man.
10. Wanna-be Burglars:
I am sick to death of these slack jawed melon-heads deciding at 2 a.m.that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he"won't mind" if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night, crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and "borrow it."And then always the inevitable fucking:
Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery?????? Ohhhhh, no intent!
Let him go, boys. Let the man go. So I can throw the wrench right at his goddamn teeth. Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these IntentGoggles (c), that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn't intend to commit a crime.He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor's house,stealing his car, taking a shit on his pool table, and sleeping with his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.Current Mood:  scared Current Music: Liz Phair - Johnny Feelgood |
It's hilarious.
I love cake. I love grammar. I love bitterness.
This should be mine.Current Mood: amused Current Music: Tori Amos - Juarez |
Would you like to dance around the world with me?Current Mood:  envious Current Music: R.E.M. - What's the Frequency, Kenneth? |
New Pet Peeve: when gym towels are too small to wrap up in after shower.
The towels inflicted upon me today were those by a lot. It's not just that my circumference is more than the length of the towel; the distance from hoohah to tatas is greater than the width of the towel.
We're talking hand towels here. As in, hand me a half dozen towels or so.
Dear Gym,
Nobody wants to see me naked. Hence the gym membership. Please provide me with towels sufficient to comply with this preference.
Love,
Jenn
This is not just me being self-deprecating.
octogenarians + hand towels = Bad Scene
I saw something today that looked like a bald possum.
Unsat.Current Mood: dirty Current Music: U2 - Love and Peace or Else |
I mentioned the gym membership in an earlier post. What I didn't explain was that I joined the gym associated with the hospital I used to work at. This is also the gym they send the rehab patients to.
So it's me, and a bunch of octogenarians trying to build mobility back up after that last stroke.
It's sort of better that way. I feel a lot less self-conscious surrounded by geriatrics than posturing sorority girls. It's like, So what if I jiggle on the elliptical? I'm in better shape than Mabel.
The downside: lascivious old men. They seem about the same as lascivious young men, just with less shame.
I am informed that I am the gym's resident Hot Young Thing. This is an altogether unexpected development.Current Mood: silly Current Music: Dave Matthews Band - I'll Back You Up |
Still fat. Determination waning.
If I lose any weight, it'll be because my abs are too sore to open the fridge door.
I much preferred getting my glutt on.Current Mood: nervous Current Music: Placebo - Daddy Cool |
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Hielo
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May. 31st, 2008 @ 06:49 pm
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I was in Spain a few months ago. I loved it, but because I'm eight years past the peak of my Spanish fluency, there was a lot of linguistic bumbling.
One evening, I went to the front desk of my hotel with a request that would have been simple for a reasonably competent child. To the amusement of two tolerant madrileño desk clerks, when I walked up, the verbal diarrhea began.
"I would like some... thing." I said, in prim but well-intentioned Spanish. "Water, very cold water, and hard. When you make it very cold, less than zero degrees, it gets hard. And I would like some. Please."
One of them just snickered at me, but the other said, in excellent English, "I'll send a boy with some ice. What room number?"
And that's sort of how I've been feeling lately. It seems like everyone else knows exactly what to say, and I'm standing there slack-jawed and stupid. But whereas that was sort of cute, and I didn't particularly mind looking silly, I'm bothered by how lame I am now, babbling my way around something that should be so simple.
By my count, I've proved that I'm inarticulate in English, Spanish, body language, and silence. I could swear that there's some particular phrase that other people know-- because other people manage to make themselves understood in these things-- that eludes me.
For the love of God, won't someone step in and tell the poor girl the word is hielo?Current Mood:  frustrated Current Music: Dave Matthews Band - Typical Situation |
I encountered this quote in a woman's obituary. It's describing the open relationship she had with her husband. I can't decide whether the obituary author hated the woman, or she was just really open-minded. Anyway, I think this might be the single most interesting obituary sentence ever.
"Back in Ibiza, his affairs continued, his taste running to the exotic, including Chinese waiters, Moroccan gigolos, Spanish garage attendants, Barbadian shop assistants, even a hunchbacked Haitian dwarf."Current Mood: sore Current Music: !!! - There's No Fucking Rules, Dude |
"But we have been Lesbians for thousands of years!"Current Mood: amused Current Music: Spoon - My Mathematical Mind |
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Condo
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Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 08:05 pm
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I'm in escrow on a condo in the DC area.
Pictures after the break.
( Condominium pandemonium! ) |
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